How to Set Boundaries without Guilt
If you’re anything like the people I work with, setting boundaries is one of the hardest things for you to do. Even when your brain is telling you “No! I don’t want to do that!” or “Why do you keep letting them walk over you?”, you still keep showing up in the same way. You agree to things that don’t align with you, you prioritize other people’s needs over your own, and in the end you feel resentment and anger towards them as if they are in the driver’s seat.
Let me tell you, you are stuck in a dangerous cycle.
I know you are hoping that one day they will see how much they are hurting you. Your brain is telling you that if you just endure, they will finally understand and choose you. But, unfortunately, that’s not how it works.
From this article, I want you to take one thing from this. You feel guilty and nervous about setting boundaries, because you are not making decisions from your values. In this article, I want to educate you about what values are, how to know what you value, and how to make decisions based on them.
Value-based living is something I have found to be monumental in decreasing anxiety and stress around relationships. It takes the guessing out of decision making and removes the language of if what you are doing is “right or wrong".
What are values?
So what are values? The University of Nebraska defines the term values as “individually internalized attitudes about what is right, wrong, ethical, unethical, moral, and immoral”. Essentially, it is your guiding star for your decision making. The best example I can give is this. If I were to tell you that I would give you $100 million right now, in your hand, but you could never see or talk to any of your family and friends ever again, everyone would not have the same answer. A person who values family more may find it extremely difficult to go on in life, for any amount of money, without being connected to them. A person who values money, wealth, or financial security more may consider it a small price to pay to ensure financial safety and longevity. Again, this isn’t about right or wrong, this is about what you VALUE!
What do you value?
Next, how do you know what you value? There are two steps that I think are helpful in discovering that. Firstly, if you were to think about what was important to you without wondering what people would say or think, what would that be? That’s a great place to start. Take 5 minutes and think of all the things you would want, what you would do, who would be in your life and who wouldn’t, and how you would spend day by day. Next, use tools like this Values Cards Exercise to see all the types of values and to narrow it down to your Top 5. My favorite thing is that you don’t have to put in your email to get your results! Somewhere between what you values and that tool is what you value!
How to Set Boundaries without Guilt
Now that we know this we can move to the last step. How do we set boundaries without feeling guilt? Make decisions based on your values. When someone asks you to do something or asks you to commit to something, avoid making decisions based on how they will feel about it. Don’t ask your self the question if what you are doing or saying is “right or wrong”. Ask yourself if what you are doing is aligned or unaligned with your values. If so, move forward. If not, it may be time to set a boundary.
Boundary setting is a skill not a gift. That means that it has to be built. Each time you choose yourself and your values, even if it only starts occasionally, you are building the skill of boundary setting.
If you feel comfortable, comment your values down below!
LaBrea Nelson, LCSW
Aimful Abundance
Sources: University of Nebraska | Defining my Personal Values | Donnette Noble & Jeni McRay
